New-school Xenophobia

I haven't posted anything on Erase Nothing in the longest time because I've been busy with Drop Your Drink and being busy there doesn't require me to think about uncomfortable things. Something has been bothering me for a while now and it's related to being a 'foreign' black person in South Africa. I say foreign with inverted commas because technically I'm South African, I've lived here for 90.9% of my life but my parents are from other countries. You might have picked up things were heading this way because of the interracial dating and identity posts I did a long while ago. This post is about being a black foreign person in South Africa and why it sucks.

Things I have to deal with:
- Black South Africans greeting me in anything but English and not only expecting me to reply in that language but also being disappointed when I don't. The common line, "I only speak English," is normally greeted with sneer or confusion.
- Knowing that certain terms like "Economic Refugee" refer to me.


Let's start with the language problem. What grates me is that it's not like this in other African countries. If English is a main official language then the first language call is English. People don't assume you speak their language just because you're black. They are 11 official languages in South Africa, 9 of which are African languages, why do you assume that I'm Zulu and greet me accordingly? I could be Venda and not know what you're saying. I say, 'Hello', and you should be able to pick up immediately that I don't quite sound right but you choose to ignore the slight accent and the fact that I'm using English then things have to get awkward.

In recent times I have witnessed a new form of xenophobia and it doesn't come from townships fed up with foreigners 'stealing' their business, possessions and livelihoods. It comes from educated professionals and students. Somehow it's okay to jokingly say things like, "You people ran away from your countries," "You've lived here for so long, why haven't you learnt anything but Afrikaans?" or "Go back to where you came from". Apparently I'm supposed to laugh at jokes like this.

Most of the time I find I just don't fit in anywhere. I'm labelled as a coconut because I speak English and learnt Afrikaans, not a black South African language. Therefore I'm not black enough, white enough, South African enough or foreign enough because I've lived here for so long. So the only option is to "go back to your country" but when you've lived here for so long you're kind of not from there anymore. South Africa might be the only home you know, and by going back you're different, kind of foreign again. What a lovely life this is. I don't know why there is such such division or why it's okay for things to be like this. I guess there is no hope, except to move to countries where it's okay to be different. Anyone heading to the UK or US? 

"Hey, I Just Met You!" Jokes

You're going to hate me because this song is going to get stuck in your head. However, I've been suffering for two hours now and you might as well burn with me. These are my favourite "Hey, I Just Met You!" jokes based on Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe hit song. If you have been living under a rock then please watch this video. It has a funny ending.

The jokes:

- Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. I took some bath salts, your face looks tasty.


- Hey, I just met you, your tan is crazy. What race are you? Carrot, maybe?


- [Darth Vader] Hey I just met you, and this is crazy! But I'm your father, so join me maybe!


- Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But I'm on my period so I might eat all your bread & kill you if you 
look at me wrong. Call me, maybe?

- Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. Are you winking at me, or is your eye just lazy?


- Stalker: Hey, I just met you. 
Me: ... 
Stalker: And this is crazy. 
Me: -.- 
Stalker: I have your number... 
Me: O_O 
Stalker: I'll call you daily!


- Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But here's my name, number, social security number, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, room number, so stalk me baby.


- Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But I'm your Fuhrer, so Heil me maybe?


The biggest joke:

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy! But here's my number, so call me maybe. 

Free Advice - Forgetting People's Names

There was a time in human existance when Hi5, Myspace and Bebo ruled the world. In that time I had an amazing sense of name and birthday recall. I could meet you once, remember your name, and tons of random facts about you. That was a time before Facebook. Two years into having a Facebook profile I found that I had lost my ability to recall people's birthdays.

Imagine this scenario: I arrived at school early and met a friend at the gate. We talked for 30 minutes then walked to class. The first set of people that saw us immediately said, "Happy Birthday [Insert Name]!". I was so horrified that I had forgotten it because I had looked at it that morning on Facebook that I stalked off  instead of going through that, "Oh my gosh [Insert Name]! I'm so sorry I forgot your birthday! Happy birthday!". My shame was so great that I didn't even wish him a happy birthday when I got home.

That was just birthdays. Now I make a point of checking to see if anyone around me is having a birthday and I write it on my hand so I don't forget. Five years into having my Facebook profile and I have discovered that I have a problem with name recollection. It's gone from a simple, "I think his name is Ben... No... Umm...Adam? Maybe, no Chester? No! I got it! It's Tom!" to "What? His name is Tarzan? I never thought that, oh, he's told me twice? Oh..."

This is what happens when I meet someone.
- Hello's are exchanged

- I give my name
- My mind temporarily switches off
- I miss the person's name
- Brain switches on
- Carry on conversation not knowing who I'm talking to


It's bad, it's really bad, so I've come up with a few methods to work around forgetting people's names (in certain situations) and a few tips to help improve name recollection.

4) You ask for a nickname
This doesn't always work but you could say, "Oh dude, don't have you a nickname that would be easier to remember?" I stopped using this tactic when a girl replied, "My name is Mary." Well, with a name of "Mary" she could have used a nickname of, "Virgin"?

3) Ask them to put their number on your phone
This requires you to hand them your phone so that they can put in the details. This works only if they want to give you a number. Otherwise you're screwed because they could give you a wrong name.

2) You have to make sure you have friends with you for the rest of your life
You meet someone when you're with a friend and you've forgotten that person's name. At first you will momentarily panic because you might have to do one-sided introductions or perhaps not introduce them at all. Now you can approach this in three different ways: 
- Use "Ah! Everyone is friends here! You guys introduce yourselves!"
- Duck and run away
- Warn your friend that you have forgotten that person's name and ask them to introduce themselves

This only works if you have kind, understanding friends. You get friends that would want you to burn because you have forgotten names.

1) You could actually try remembering their names
This is done in a few steps:
- Try your best to pay attention to their name. In other words, actually listen, instead of just hearing it
- Repeat their name a few times while carrying on the conversation
- Add them on Facebook or BBM

The last step is important because I'd like to believe the first two work but they don't in my case. The third step is just the final safety method. I do still wake up in the mornings and say, "Who the f is this?" before I remember.

Free Advice - So You're a Facebook Stalker

Mark Zuckerberg and friends, that they always fail to mention, gave us many things when they launched Facebook in 2004. They gave us one of the world's most recognised websites, the ability to remember people's birthdays, be tagged in horrendous photos and facestalking capabilities.
You facestalk.
It is the the mindless activity that has you going through Facebook profiles while looking at photos, status updates, wall posts, links and random comments.You can Facestalk all sorts of people: friends, people you don't know, your mom and yourself.

Become a better facestalker. A better facestalker in the sense that you will be skilled at covering your tracks. There is nothing more disconcerting than someone accidentally hinting that they were facestalking you. The feeling could be compared to being stabbed in the butt by the serial butt stabber in northern Virginia. Pay attention, this information could save you from being a total freak and having no friends to facestalk - yes, it can reach that point, statistics indicate that 1 in 2 people* will end up this way.  

*99% of statistics are made up on the spot.

4. Don't like anything!

Mistake: You were on a friend's profile and you liked a profile picture from months/years ago. There is no way you could use the, "It was on my news feed" excuse, and you've evidently shown yourself as a facestalker. 

Repercussions: Your victim just felt like they've been pinched by the butt stabber, you.

Plan of action: Don't unlike the photo! It makes things worse because then your victim is certain they have been stalked and you're trying to cover it up. There is no way to move forward in this except to ignore it and never keep your mouse cursor by the like button.

3. Don't refer to anything you haven't spoken about!

Mistake: This one requires an example dialogue.

You: "Do you still support Chelsea?"

[Victim's eyes enlarge and facial expression settles into a mask of controlled panic]

Victim: "No...  I stopped supporting them after Mourinho buggered off in 2007. I support Man United now. Wait, how did you know that?"

Repercussions: Your victim's pants have a hole and there is a mild scratch because of your prowess with wielding the butt stabbing knife.

Plan of action: Pretend a friend told you. Oh! The victim doesn't have any friends you know? Then run, and never make this mistake again. 

2. Don't drink around facestalked victims

Mistake: You facestalked a friend's friend's friend and now you're drunk (and feeling confident, cause you're the shit) and you think you know them. So you decide to go greet them with a hug and "Hi [insert name], how are you?"

Repercussions: Your victim is going to press charges for assault, intimidation and harassment. 

Plan of action: This shouldn't have happened in the first place. Why did you friends let you go and say hi? Oh wait, you don't have any friends anymore. You could try not drinking at all?

1. Don't Facestalk

You didn't consider this?

If not possible repeat instructions 2-4. 

Salted Butter Caramel Macarons

I was bored and inspired this afternoon. I was bored because I simply love to procrastinate and at that point I was procrastinating my procrastination time. I felt inspired because one of my friends baked the most delicious looking brownies this week and I discovered Salted Butter Caramel Macarons at Isabellas for R10 each and that made me angry because they were so expensive. I guess I had the right state of mind to make something cool, so I decided to try making Salted Butter Caramel Macarons. I did a lot of research before the time to find an easy recipe. I also checked many websites on common mistakes made because this was going to be my first time attempting them. The recipes I settled on for the basic Macaron shell and filling came from a blog called "You can do it... at home".

I'm not going to copy out the recipe because she has written it out so well and it has informative pictures. I will be using this recipe for Macarons in the future because I mostly got them right the first time. I didn't follow the Salted Butter Caramel Macaron recipe but only used the filling instructions from there.

Basic French Macaron shell recipe (read this as it's best for beginners): http://youcandoitathome.blogspot.com/2010/11/basic-macaron-recipe-french-meringue.html
Salted Butter Caramel Macarons: http://youcandoitathome.blogspot.com/2011/03/salted-caramel-macarons-me-against.html

I Hate Happy Feet

F*** that penguin!

I hate Happy Feet.
You do know that movie right?
The one with that dancing penguin?
Yes, I hate that movie.

There is no amount of sugar-coated coaxing or reasonable logic that will make me even remotely okay with it and that penguin. I thought the movie was a waste of my life. I'll try and explain why Happy Feet angered me so much.

The plot is about a penguin that is born to the best penguin singers and it can't sing but it can dance. It gets all the other penguins to dance and humans realise that global warming is a problem. The end. It's like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer all over again except that the world doesn't get presents and there's fish!

Things I hated about Happy Feet:

• Why couldn't the penguin sing like everyone else? One of the main themes of the movie is that it's good to be different but in this case it made me angry because I had to endure stupid dancing.
• Why did they have to tap dance? 
• Why didn't the scary animals trying to eat that penguin succeed? 
• Why was that movie so long? 
• Why did I stay and waste my life for it? 

I compiled a list of things I should have done instead of watching it:

• I could have done a running-hug, slipped and broken my ankle
• Gone to the gynecologist
• Given myself paper cuts between my fingers and toes (Jackass Style)
• Watched Verimark adverts
• Rolled myself down a grassy hill and itched later
• Gone to Antarctica and massacred all the penguins

Happy Feet cost me dearly. Not only did it cost me bits of my life, as we have discussed, but it made me extremely wary of animations. This was something only the movie Up could restore in some manner. It took this scene from Up to make it okay to occasionally watch animations without penguins.

"I was hiding under your porch because I love you" - Dug

I couldn't believe it when Happy Feet 2 came out. All I could think was, "F*** that penguin!"

Your Dystopian Future - 3 Reasons Why You Need a Bunker

Your world will inevitably end, just like mine will one day. Being aware of this fact, having an overactive imagination and a propensity to procrastinate I have developed an idea of a rather dystopian future that our generation might have to live through when we're just about ready to enjoy our retirement funds.
In simple English, I think about how the world is going to go to shits. I enjoy small luxuries like listening to Dubstep, enjoying clean drinkable water, not being possessed by an insatiable need to eat other peoples' brains and limiting my exposure to ionizing radiation.
All this makes me think about how I need to start saving up for a bunker.
Yes, you read right, a bunker. You should consider building towards one as well because I might not let you stay in mine. I'm going to give you a glimpse into the mind of a pioneering genius, yes that's me, and the reasons why I think we might inevitably require one.


3. Zombie Apocalypse

There are different types of zombie apocalypse causes. A few include getting nasty neurotoxins injected into your brain, infection from a brain virus or a slight problem with fungi that controls your brain.

It would be common sense to stay as far away from the zombies as possible because you might get whatever they have. I don't think that being sprayed by chunks of rotten flesh, as you fight them off, would do you any good. Zombies would eventually die out once their food source disappeared. Staying in a bunker means you likely won't have to shoot your zombified best friend's face in or use a flame-thrower on your mom while she's wearing her flannel pj's because they will be in a bunker with you. When I suggest a bunker to hide in while all the zombies die in you shouldn't say, "Oh please! I'm going to fight them like a man! Grrrrr!", you should say, "Hell yeah! Do you think we'll get DSTV down there? When can we go pretend that we're Will Smith in I Am Legend?"

2. Mother Nature

Mother Nature hates us. Here are a few reasons why I say this:

• Moose in the USA attempt to hijack cars by conducting windshield smashes
• Baboons in South Africa succeed in hijacking cars by opening car doors
• Spiders
• 1% of the world's water can be used for human uses
• Lions and Cheetahs are allowed to roam the streets in South Africa and terrorize a specific specie of blue Bulls
• The ice on Mount Kilimanjaro is melting at a rate fast enough that I'll never be able to summit the mountain in time to see the ice. The ice will be gone by 2020, yes I'm kind of lazy.   

So we've established that Mother Nature hates us. Add on the fact that we pump toxins into rivers, dump sewerage into the oceans, let our trash collect in whirlpools and pump carbon dioxide and methane into the atmosphere and we're looking at a case of young Gohan vs Frieza, we all know that Goku had to step in finally defeat Frieza. It was never Gohan.

This is Mother Nature.

We're young Gohan and we're going to get the shit kicked out of our snotty little nose. You see the Earth has been around a lot longer than you and I and it will remain after we're buried somewhere in it or burnt to make more carbon dioxide. So when the Earth goes anal and normal weather is hurricanes and drought then you know you're going be a refugee on your own planet. As usual when resources like food and water run out then people become kind of grumpy. There will be anarchy, fire and people throwing bricks (because they always throw bricks) and you wonder what will I be doing?

Yes, I'll have one in my bunker.

The water thing is important because we like polluting it and for some stupid reason we can't really drink salty water so that eliminates 99% of our water sources. There's a guy in Texas who is buying water. He's a smart ass. I dig it, I will follow suit. I can picture humanity fighting over water. I mean it happens in The Wheel of Time with the Aiel people and that book is based on real-life events.
I'm talking total crap about The Wheel of Time but when 99.99999999999% of the world's population die out a fictional book could become a future historian's reference book.

1. Artificial Intelligence and Information
Perhaps I watched Terminator far too many times and Hal 9000 scared me senseless but I worry about things like artificial intelligence and building robots for robotic warfare.

ASIMO would be the first to crack.

Effectively all it takes is for one system to spaz out and become self-aware because we thought artificial intelligence would be a marvellous thing to program. I don't think you'd be smiling much if your top-of-the-range electrical vehicle tried to run you over while you were enjoying your morning shower. Then we have things like Google, and Google pretty much owns the Internet. They buy up dark fibre (kilometres of cable left unused after the initial Internet bubble), map the stars, enable cars to drive by themselves, own this blog, know where I live, what I look like... Wait! Help! They've found me hffrrrrrrsdfjaaaaeffffespfffffff.

So picture all that intelligence and a self-aware system and we're screwed. I don't know if military systems will be able to contain the threat and the very weapons we built to destroy each other will destroy us all. Life expectancy could drop from 80 to 10 and you're 25. Boom! Dead. Well I'll be chilling in my bunker.
I'll discuss optimal bunker placement with you in person. I have a feeling I'm being watched.

That's it! 

Do you feel enlightened? 

Are you going to save up for your bunker like you're living during the Cold War?

Yes?

My work here is done.

Kindle Joy!

The Amazon Kindle is a series of e-books. E-books, as the name suggests are electronic books. Essentially a Kindle can store a small library of books on its memory and it comes with an e-ink electronic display so that it doesn't hurt your eyes when you're reading it. In fact, you have to use a book light for the Kindle because it doesn't have a back-light, well you can either do that or wait for generation 5 of the Kindle as it will come with a built-in book light. You can read your e-books and download them off the internet by purchasing them off the Amazon book store. It's so convenient and it fuels a reading addiction.

I have massive amounts of love for my Kindle Touch. I think it's the best thing I have ever bought because it has all my books in it. It reminded me that I love to read. I suggest you translate what I wrote on the picture I made. It's an old advert for Kinder Joy, it's appropriate because I named my Kindle, Kindle Joy!


For more information on the Kindle, click here

Who Needs a Doctor When You Have Music?

Video of the week (well besides "Intergalactic" by the Beastie Boys, click here):

Favourite quote from the video was said by the man below. He said:
"It [Music] gives me the feeling of love, romance! I figure right now the world needs to come into music, singing. You've got beautiful music. Beautiful... Lovely... I feel [a] band of love, of dreams."

You like to tan? Do you also like skin cancer?

Cancer can hook its malignant neoplasm hooks into anyone. It's one of the world's most devastating diseases because there is no set cure. Cancer is your body turning against itself in the most awful way. My focus is skin cancer because people do not realise that skin cancer ignores race and there has been a frightening recurrence of stupid "Hey! Let me have some skin cancer on my body!" practices.

Red heads are most at risk of getting skin cancer and living their lives without their souls.

The only good thing I'll tell you in this depressing post is that most skin cancers are preventable. You should know how to prevent them by now: the use of sunscreen and refrain from tanning. 

You should know this.

I recently realised that although people should know "this", they choose to ignore it. So I put together a minor threatening guide to avoiding most skin cancers in hopes that you will remember "this" at the end. 

I will rip out your hair extensions if you go near the tanning bed

A few years ago tanning beds were all the rage. People booked many appointments at their spas. People went and bought the machines for home use. Then it came out that tanning beds are one of the prime causers of skin cancer. Oh, didn't people scramble to get rid of the machines and I truely thought that the tanning bed fiasco was over until I recently saw signs advertising tanning bed appointments. There is no supply without demand so it means that people are back in those things.

I get that you don't want to be pale and pasty but you should be protecting your body's largest organ, your skin. Rather go for tanning sprays and lotions. I don't know how safe they are, because they also edit what your skin cells are doing, but I can imagine that it would be better than the beds. If Snooki develops skin cancer then maybe we can worry about the alternative.

If the issue of being bronzed really bothers you that much then move to a country that doesn't have much sun. Go far away to places like the South and North Poles during winter where it's completely dark, oh wait... there's still an ozone hole present at one of the poles. Might I suggest you move to a coal mine? 

Sunscreen is an excuse to get a mini back rub, use it

I get laughed at when I whip out my SPF 50 sunscreen. Hang on, let me be honest. I think I might get laughed at because it makes me slightly blue*. 

Not quite like this though

Most black girls hate getting sun burnt, dig the shade, wear hats outside and will carry around sunscreen. They might do this for appearance reasons but it works all the same. I get shocked when my white friends take out SPF 15 when they want to spend a day out in the sun. When your t-shirts are SPF 8 I find myself asking what's the point of that sunscreen?

In case you didn't know, Wise Geek defines SPF as the following: "SPF is an acronym for Sun Protection Factor. The number you see associated with SPF represents the length of time you can stay out in the sun without burning, multiplied by the corresponding number. So a person who would normally start to burn in 10 minutes, could theoretically have 150 minutes of sun protection with a sunscreen that has an SPF of 15."
Most SPF 15 sunscreens last on average an hour if you're not running about or swimming. So remember to re-apply and try chill in the shade around midday, 12pm, because the sun is out to roast you then.

*Sunscreens that don't make you blue are horrendously expensive and available at Dischem.

Watch this video, it might make you cry

Oh, so you still feel like ignoring common sense. Please watch this video.

Today marks the start of the University of Pretoria's CANSA Shaveathon drive. CANSA, The Cancer Association of South Africa, hosts many events around South Africa to raise awareness about cancer, not just skin cancer. It is done to celebrate survivors and to remember those who passed away from it. The Shavathon is an event that requires you to either shave your hair off or spray paint your hair by paying R50. Go and support it. I don't mean to scare you but it could be you that has your hair fall out due to chemotherapy, I think you'd want the support. Skin cancer isn't the end of the world, however, remember to take an active step to doing something about it.

Charlie Chaplin - The Greatest Speech Ever Made

Charlie Chaplin, the man famous for comical silent movies, made the most inspiring speech I will ever hear in my life. Watch the Youtube video, the person who posted it cleverly put relevant videos and pictures in the background.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Cupcakes

I was inspired by something I saw on Pinterest and I was feeling a bit adventurous today so I went on a hunt for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and made cupcakes out of them.

What did I use:

- Cake mix

- Eggs

- Butter

- Milk

- Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

- Reese's Peanut Butter Chips

- Icing sugar

- Cocoa powder

- Peanut butter

Quick breakdown of what I did:

- I used cake mix instead of making the cupcake mixture from scratch. This Reese's Peanut Butter cupcake adventure was a procrastination cooking session and it meant I didn't have enough time to make a cupcake mixture from scratch as I usually do; I was supposed to be studying. Even so, I used milk and butter in place of the water and oil that the cake mix instructions requested.

- With the mix ready I spooned a tablespoon into each cupcake holder and then added the quarters of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups as well as the Reese's Peanut Butter Chips.

- I covered the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Reese's Peanut Butter Chips with another spoonful of cake mix.

- They went into the oven and I made two icings, a chocolate one and a peanut butter one and layered them in the piping bag.

- After they were done cooling I did simple icing. 

- I think I might try this with Lindt Lindor truffles next.

Soundtracks to Your Life - Getting Over Someone

One of my friends is doing an article about songs you should bang to. Regularly check http://d-is-for-danger.blogspot.com/ for the list, I'll let you know when he does eventually finish that nasty mess. I do hope that Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex makes it onto that list.

I call this list of songs that tackle different stages of a break-up the product of uncanny timing, what with the bang chart inspiration and going through my own sort of break-up. I also went to try and find out what the break-up stages were and then I added in my own bits. Hey! You might need this list soon cause break-up season appears in June/July then again in September. I did focus on a lot of mainstream music so you should know most of the songs.

Realisation

This only applies if you're the one who's leaving. In this stage you've had enough and have thought about it for a while, it's not a spontaneous decision. The decision process probably looks like this, click here.While you were thinking you were probably listening to certain types of songs. I have found that British artists rock at realisation. Adele*, of course, belts out a few because she had a difficult relationship with her boyfriend who in the end broke her heart and made her gloriously rich. My favourite song is Melt My Heart To Stone by Adele even though Turning Tables and Tired come in a close second and third. Melt My Heart to Stone doesn't make sense in terms of present day furnace calculations but the the song makes sense. Kate Nash puts out Foundations about crap times she's obviously had and Coldplay takes a piece of the cake with X&Y. Erykah Badu is the only artist that doesn't fit in the Brit category, listen to Call Tyrone for a good laugh at an angry black woman. 

"Each and every time I turn around to leave I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed"

Sadness

Person: When I'm sad I try to sing along to songs. Then I shut up and realise that there are worse things than my sucky life.
Adele: I don't get it.

So you've broken up with your significant other and you're crushed. It doesn't matter whether you were the dumper or the dumped one. You can still be a sad, lonely loser. You'll go through turbulent emotions, being normal is your high of the day and your lows are depressed lows. Never fear, things might not be okay now, but things will get better. In the meanwhile I suggest you listen to Maroon 5. They have a range of beautiful songs dedicated to heartbreak. Most of them are found in their It Won't Be Soon Before Long album; I didn't really like Hands All Over because it sounded a little too country to me. However, my favourite track is Just a Feeling from Hands All Over. Weird how these things happen. Better That We Break, also by Maroon 5, is second and it's from It Won't Be Soon Before Long. It's Over by the Cheetah Girls, don't laugh at the artist, is also good. No one can doubt the power of ballads so All by Myself by Shirley Bassy and Tears Dry on their Own by Amy Winehouse are perfect fits.

"This is more than goodbye, when I look into your eyes you're not even there"

Angry
You eventually get tired of feeling sad and start to realise that you're better off without that person. People get angry because they forget to forgive. I don't recommend listening to anyone of these songs when you are angry. They are just angry songs. Internet Friends by Knife Party is a really cool song with an epic beat about some angry British Girl who wants to kill you because you blocked her on Facebook. Breaking Dishes by Rihanna is about roasting marshmellows on your car's burning tyres and bleaching your clothes. Both are really angry dance songs. For the purpose of quietly meditating and plotting a psychopathic attack then I suggest you listen to Dickhead by Kate Nash and I Learned From the Best by Whitney Houston. If your planned attack on the person fails then you can listen to Why Won't You Die by System of a Down.

"You blocked me on Facebook and now you're going to die"

Acceptance
You eventually get over minor plots of revenge, being angry at the person and at yourself. You realise it is just wasting your time and it's better to forgive and move on. You might even apologise to the person for your behaviour during the relationship because you'll be able to think in an unbiased manner. If you feel like saying, "You're a sorry excuse for a ..." then you're probably still angry and you've got a while to go. Songs that remind you that you've broken up with someone but don't make you sad or angry anymore are Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye Feat. Kimbra and Sober by Kelly Clarkson. Instead of being angry, you can remember the good and the bad times for what they were and move on.

"Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

Then you'll meet somebody else, sometimes even if you were married, and repeat the cycle. 

Good luck!

*The people who hate on Adele and complain about her music have not only managed to deafen themselves to one our generation's most astounding singers but have also failed to comprehend the depth of her song-writing ability. When you're alone and lost, listen to Adele because she'll help you realise that you're not alone. She manages to reach down into your soul and pluck your heart strings.

Awkward Crying Moments

I was listening to the Grant and Anele Show a while back and they were talking about songs that managed to make people cry. There were not referring to typical tear-inducing songs. In fact, one lady phoned to say:

• She had lost her job
• She was quite saddened by her jobless state
• She turned on the radio and heard, "I Need a Dollar by" Aloe Blacc
• She cried

I found this extremely funny and spent a good while laughing about it in my car and then carried on laughing when I got home. It was a bit mean but I laughed because I understood. I've also had one of those moments when you cry about something that shouldn't make you cry. So I started asking around to find out if this has happened to anyone else. I went beyond music to include anything. I'll start with my experience first then list the other ones.

Lilo and Stitch 2: Stitch has a Glitch 
I realise it is an animation that is supposed to be cute and stupid. I watched this about five years ago while eating dinner with my family. At the time I was going through a rough friendship patch. In this movie Stitch (the blue thing) starts malfunctioning as there is something wrong in his alien bio-robot body. When he malfunctions he breaks things, hurts people and can't control himself.

Photo available here

It reaches the point when Stitch scratches Lilo at her hawaiian dance recital then he proceeds to wreck her special day. Then Lilo leaves because she's had enough.

"Hay...You still mad?"
Photo available here

That scene was what set me off. I actually cried into my dinner, much to the shock of my family. They didn't know what to do. I laugh now but it was bad.

Photo available here

I calmed down for a bit, that level consisted of heavy breathing and wiping my eyes, then Stitch died! And I was off crying again. I left the room after that. Well you know it is a kid's movie so of course they brought a machine to fix him in time and he lived.

Chocolate Mousse
Ashleigh: " I cried once when I came home to find the family all had chocolate mousse for dessert and didn't leave any for me. It was a tough day."

Honey and 21st Speeches
Lisa: "I always cry during 21st speeches. And I always cry at the end dance sequence of Honey."

Photo available here

Snails
Margaret: "Snails. Every time. I've convinced myself that they will and can attack me!"

Need for Speed Undercover
Sumesha: "When I finished Need for Speed Undercover I cried because it was so hard and also because I had no other game to play."

This game induces tears
Photo available here

MTV
Anonymous: "I was watching those two guys on MTV's ad breaks, the South African guys who do short skits, and they pranked Arno Carstens. I cried (after laughing)."

Photo available here

I guess we all have our days. You can share additional stories in the comments if you want to. Otherwise hope this made you laugh!

The Process of Leaving Someone

The process of leaving someone that makes you unhappy:

- Anger (head knowledge - decide that you will move on, little issues bother you and there is no common ground)

- Sadness (head knowledge becomes heart knowledge - realise what leaving means and think about the good days)

- Acceptance (two options - stay and repeat the cycle or realise that you might not be okay now but you will be one day and leave)

Things that help:

- Good advice, not just friends listening to you in the anger phase

- Expressing it (see below, currently in stage 2&3)

- Music

SOPA? PIPA? SOAP? A PIP? (Understand What They Are About)

So you might have noticed that the Wikipedia page looks weird.

It's to do with SOPA, the Stop Online Piracy Act, and PIPA, Protect IP Act. They were drafted to give the US government the authority to do crazy things to websites that allowed copyrighted things to be shown and/or posted. It's all about protecting the entertainment industry. For example things Mediafire, Youtube and even Twitter would be under fire because they have users posting copyrighted things. The US government would be able to block their pages, get US companies to stop advertising off their websites and fine search engines for linking users to websites with copyrighted material within the US. Both acts will probably get abused by the US government.
The world is going on about it and you wonder why you should care.

Think of what it means for us, especially in South Africa.

Our government already has permission to censor certain information from us within the media forum (Black Tuesday). They catch wind of these two acts and they start censoring the internet in South Africa too. What if we couldn't organise protests for change like in Egypt because they simply have the means to shut down Facebook and Twitter? So much for social media and freedom.

Watch this video to fully comprehend how bad SOPA and PIPA are.


PROTECT IP / SOPA Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.
Tell Congress not to censor the internet NOW! - http://www.fightforthefuture.org/pipa

PROTECT-IP is a bill that has been introduced in the Senate and the House and is moving quickly through Congress. It gives the government and corporations the ability to censor the net, in the name of protecting "creativity". The law would let the government or corporations censor entire sites-- they just have to convince a judge that the site is "dedicated to copyright infringement."

The government has already wrongly shut down sites without any recourse to the site owner. Under this bill, sharing a video with anything copyrighted in it, or what sites like Youtube and Twitter do, would be considered illegal behavior according to this bill.

According to the Congressional Budget Office, this bill would cost us $47 million tax dollars a year — that's for a fix that won't work, disrupts the internet, stifles innovation, shuts out diverse voices, and censors the internet. This bill is bad for creativity and does not protect your rights.

Leave The Weave!

I had my hair cut short in what I thought was a moment of madness during the November exams last year. My hair is a natural afro now. I've actually begun to realise that I have been crazy all these years because of the things I used to do to my hair. I'm not alone, there are millions of women all over the world that have some how lost sight of what is good for themselves and for their hair. You see them in class, church, walking down the road and on TV. This madness grabs all races by the ponytail. I'm going to focus on Black hair and recent hair history, because that's what I know best but I will mention crazy things Asian and White girls do to their hair.

Madness probably began with the hot comb, somewhere in the 60s. Hot combs, back then, were metal combs heated on the stove or in a fire. That implies that you would have burnt badly when you used one.

That's okay, right?

As long as you have manageable hair? (Haha, WTF!).

Hot combs stayed for quite a while before the 80s came around. Relaxers became popular around this time. Some crazy hair stylist decided it was a good thing to throw a really strong base into Black hair to straighten it. These relaxers were so corrosive that many had chemical burns for weeks. They were also expensive.

The price did not deter many of the girls back then they simply made do with oven cleaner.

They probably also used the timer.
Photo available here

Times changed, relaxers became better and then braiding came into fashion at the end of the 80s. Around this time in the iconic hairstyle was the Boom Shaka braids. They took forever to braid. If you were at the mercy of someone who liked to pull while they braided you were often left crying silently because you had to stay and endure the pain for this hairstyle.

Boom Shaka braids!
Photo available here

Towards the end of the 90s weaves became popular. I believe this was the pinnacle of hair madness. There is a generation of women who have lost their hairlines. Their hair is so finished that they're ashamed to remove their weaves and leave their hair as is. In fact, many women remove their weaves and put a new one in on the same day. It's a cruel cycle because the weaves and the braiding cause the hair loss.

That's Naomi Campbell and that's not hot, at all.
Photo available here

I believe Black women have always wanted to have the illusion of longer hair. This mindset was present in the hot comb era. You came blame the media for making us think specific things are beautiful but in the end you have to look at yourself and see what you've done. Hair madness has also allowed us to become the butt of many jokes (sigh... Chris Rock). So one of my wise friends proposed this: "Leave the Weave!" We have a collective agreement to keep our hair natural and rid the world of nasty hair. You should join us too. Natural hair is really easy to maintain and you'll never have to experience Black Girl Hair Problems (below).

Black women aren't the only ones who do crazy things to their hair. Some of the crazy things White and South-East Asian girls do to their hair:

1. It's so permanently dyed that it's dead (not that hair is alive but their hair is especially dead).

Lady Gaga has admitted that she's going chemically bald because her hair is falling out because she dyes it so much
Photo available here

2. They relax their hair too. I really don't understand this one because it is mostly straight.

You look like a nice lady but WTF are you doing?
Photo available here

3. My favourite, the tacky hair extensions. A white girl's weave. Does the same thing to your hair, removes it, and normally looks incredibly cheap.

So classy that she got a few As in trash
Photo available here

So can I get a collective, "Leave the weave!"? I mean it in the sense that if you're ashamed to show your real hair and you're damaging it then you should leave the weave, the peroxide, the braids, relaxer cremes and give your hair a break. This is more than hair it's about being happy with your beautiful self and loving what you've got.

A Student's Guide to Dealing with University, Engineering and Engineering Students

Grade 12 Results were released yesterday and today so you should know if you got into university by now. If you didn't make the cut Gareth Cliff did suggest you pick up the following careers:

• Mud-pie maker (He did go onto explain that the market was very saturated with toddlers competing with you so it might not work out)
• Clock reader (Read the time to me because sometimes looking at my watch is just too much effort)
• Personal car guard (If I go to a shopping centre and the other car guards are hassling me, I could just open the boot of my car and say, "No, no, I have a car guard.")

You do realise I am joking and there is a ton of stuff you can still do with yourself. Being great doesn't mean you are defined by a university degree. If you have made it into university then you need a strong drink, this guide and anti-depressants for later on during the year. There's two sections to this guide, the general ones and the Engineering side.

General rules

1) If you teach someone else how to do it you will fail

One day you decide to learn your work for the practical or test and do well. Then a friend asks for help. You say, "Sure" and take time out of your day to explain to them.
You write the test.
You feel great.
They write.
They feel shit.
You feel sorry for them but you did try help them.
You get the tests back and…

I don't know why it happens. It just does.

2) If you're walking in with a low mark, it takes super human brain powers to pass

At the end of every year everyone says that next year they'll start earlier with the workload and do it continiously. That means pre-reading what you're going to do in class, making notes that day and re-reading all your work at the end of each week. If you, yes you, can make a habit of that you will be in Golden Key or even on the Dean's List with minimal effort. Few have succeeded in making a habit of this. Things that will put you off are your social life, laziness and supposedly having no time. When you do not keep up you start failing a few class tests, maybe a semester test too and you get into the exams with a mark between 50% and 40%. Do you know how hard you have to work to pass?! Be a man! Do the right thing! Do your work continuously!

3) Don't get on the bunking train
Don't bunk that lecture. Don't even think about it. Bunking that first lecture is like putting one foot on a slow moving train as it's leaving the platform. The next week when you have that lecture again you will feel no compulsion to go, so that's two feet on the train as it's moving slowly. Then you start bunking all the lectures for that class and the train has sped up. The point is because you're on the bunking train and are having awesome train parties you start to bunk important lectures too, ones that you have to go to. Then you start considering ways to bunk practicals and skip tutorials. While you're having such a good time no one ever bothers to let you know that the train is set to crash land in Fail City.

This train will make your life extremely difficult!
Courtesy of hisks

This especially applies to engineering because lecturers are cruel and can cover up to three chapters in a textbook in one lecture. Then when you're anxiously sweating because you didn't listen to 3) you'll skip out section 5 or 6 because there is no time to understand it and guess what? Murphy's Law, Section 5 AND 6 appear in the test.

4) Pick your social life, not based on your friends but based on how you like to party.
No one actually ever considers doing this but it makes for far more enjoyable times. If you're into binge drinking of the sort then go for the engineering students (they party like Kappa Tau in Greek).

Courtesy of greektv.wikia.com

Medical students moderate between partying hard and chilling, they do tend to have fun parties. BComm students tend to stick to the clubs and have dinners (blah blah blah). BA students have the best social lives, they do everything. There's a place for you anywhere, you just need to make the right sort of friends.

5) Residence students are the best (In South Africa: residence = dorm)
I love res kids, everyone should have res friends. Not only do they know how to party but they're good for a few things:

• They have the res network. The res network is an open file sharing system for everyone within the residence. This is important academically because you can get past papers which are a blessing to learn with. This is also important for entertainment reasons because you have access to torrent downloads of programs, music, videos and series.
• Res events. If you don't have a res friend you won't know about the SICKEST parties. You haven't partied unless you've gone to pre-spring break parties, Zeff Troue (when residences marry each other for a year) and Pot en Pons (R20 for all you can drink punch).

Engineering rules

1) Don't fail your core modules
If you're in engineering then check out which modules you require for the next year and don't fail them. Do everything in your power to pass them because you will be held back a year if you don't pass them. Fail the other ones if you will, because you can repeat them with minor worries. For mechanical and civil engineering first year students that means not failing Calculus and Mechanics (Do not fail those two!). I don't know, nor care about the other engineering courses.

2) Ladies! Watch out for the engineering boys!
My engineering guy friends are going to hate me for this. I really do love you all, I do, it's just that I've picked out a few trends that put you into groups. Some are the exception! Others fit nicely into the boxes and some switch between the boxes. My guess is that if you're trying to date a nice hot guy go to the medical students.

The last thing you will do is read this thing again at the end of the year and realise you should have listened in the beginning. Rather don't do that and make a choice to try and use some of the advice here. 

Road Rage - Nick Khoo

I thought this was hilarious! It might actually make your day. I never thought I would be capable of road rage but one of my friends estimated I'd last a year and he was right. I'm of the firm belief that old people and Audi drivers should be removed off the roads.

Nick Khoo, the person that made this video, is from Australia and he's a full-time mograph and video designer filmmaker. According to his profile he can also tell the difference between butter and "I can't believe it's not butter."

Courtesy of the waycookiecrumbles.blogspot.com

Nick seems like a sweet guy. He said the following: "Anyways, I am humbled (humble bragging!) that anyone found this funny or at least shared in my sense of humour. And to everyone to enjoyed the vid, thanks for sharing the laughs with me."
He did the entire video using the Adobe After Effects Shapes tool and Duik so he could do the inverse kinematics in After Effects. If you want to read more about the process I suggest you check out his blog, http://www.nickkhoo.com, and the article he wrote on it.

So watch the video and laugh.
It's funny.

Road Rage from Nick Khoo on Vimeo.