Grade 12 Results were released yesterday and today so you should know if you got into university by now. If you didn't make the cut Garath Cliff did suggest you pick up the following careers:
- Mud-pie maker (He did go onto explain that the market was very saturated with toddlers competing with you so it might not work out)
- Clock reader (Read the time to me because sometimes looking at my watch is just too much effort)
- Personal car guard (If I go to a shopping centre and the other car guards are hassling me, I could just open the boot of my car and say, "No, no, I have a car guard.")
You do realise I am joking and there is a ton of stuff you can still do with yourself. Being great doesn't mean you are defined by a university degree. If you have made it into university then you need a strong drink, this guide and anti-depressants for later on during the year. There's two sections to this guide, the general ones and the Engineering side.
General rules
1) Put those heels away, stupid bitch
- Mud-pie maker (He did go onto explain that the market was very saturated with toddlers competing with you so it might not work out)
- Clock reader (Read the time to me because sometimes looking at my watch is just too much effort)
- Personal car guard (If I go to a shopping centre and the other car guards are hassling me, I could just open the boot of my car and say, "No, no, I have a car guard.")
You do realise I am joking and there is a ton of stuff you can still do with yourself. Being great doesn't mean you are defined by a university degree. If you have made it into university then you need a strong drink, this guide and anti-depressants for later on during the year. There's two sections to this guide, the general ones and the Engineering side.
General rules
1) Put those heels away, stupid bitch
I have seen girls wearing high heels on campus. I have no words for these girls. Firstly, you look stupid because you're trying so hard. In fact, people want you to fall. Secondly, you walk so much on campus that you're limping at the end of the day. Do you want to cause permanent foot and ankle damage?
Actually go ahead, do it. Engineering depresses me so much that I need a good laugh when I see you trying to walk.
I don't know why it happens. It just does.
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| You're not a style icon, nor do you spend a lot of your time just sitting. Take them off. Courtesy of profashionelle.com |
2) If you teach someone else how to do it you will fail
One day you decide to learn your work for the practical or test and do well. Then a friend asks for help. You say, "Sure" and take time out of your day to explain to them.
You write the test.
You feel great.
They write.
They feel shit.
You feel sorry for them but you did try help them.
You get the tests back and...
You write the test.
You feel great.
They write.
They feel shit.
You feel sorry for them but you did try help them.
You get the tests back and...
3) If you're walking in with a low mark, it takes super human brain powers to pass
At the end of every year everyone says that next year they'll start earlier with the workload and do it continiously. That means pre-reading what you're going to do in class, making notes that day and re-reading all your work at the end of each week. If you, yes you, can make a habit of that you will be in Golden Key or even on the Dean's List with minimal effort. Few have succeeded in making a habit of this. Things that will put you off are your social life, laziness and supposedly having no time. When you do not keep up you start failing a few class tests, maybe a semester test too and you get into the exams with a mark between 50% and 40%. Do you know how hard you have to work to pass?! Be a man! Do the right thing! Do your work continuously!
4) Don't get on the bunking train
Don't bunk that lecture. Don't even think about it. Bunking that first lecture is like putting one foot on a slow moving train as it's leaving the platform. The next week when you have that lecture again you will feel no compulsion to go, so that's two feet on the train as it's moving slowly. Then you start bunking all the lectures for that class and the train has sped up. The point is because you're on the bunking train and are having awesome train parties you start to bunk important lectures too, ones that you have to go to. Then you start considering ways to bunk practicals and skip tutorials. While you're having such a good time no one ever bothers to let you know that the train is set to crash land in Fail City.
This especially applies to engineering because lecturers are cruel and can cover up to three chapters in a textbook in one lecture. Then when you're anxiously sweating because you didn't listen to 3) you'll skip out section 5 or 6 because there is no time to understand it and guess what? Murphy's Law, Section 5 AND 6 appear in the test.
4) Don't get on the bunking train
Don't bunk that lecture. Don't even think about it. Bunking that first lecture is like putting one foot on a slow moving train as it's leaving the platform. The next week when you have that lecture again you will feel no compulsion to go, so that's two feet on the train as it's moving slowly. Then you start bunking all the lectures for that class and the train has sped up. The point is because you're on the bunking train and are having awesome train parties you start to bunk important lectures too, ones that you have to go to. Then you start considering ways to bunk practicals and skip tutorials. While you're having such a good time no one ever bothers to let you know that the train is set to crash land in Fail City.
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| This train will make your life extremely difficult! Courtesy of hisks |
5) Pick your social life, not based on your friends but based on how you like to party.
No one actually ever considers doing this but it makes for far more enjoyable times. If you're into binge drinking of the sort then go for the engineering students (they party like Kappa Tau in Greek).
Medical students moderate between partying hard and chilling, they do tend to have fun parties. BComm students tend to stick to the clubs and have dinners (blah blah blah). BA students have the best social lives, they do everything. There's a place for you anywhere, you just need to make the right sort of friends.
No one actually ever considers doing this but it makes for far more enjoyable times. If you're into binge drinking of the sort then go for the engineering students (they party like Kappa Tau in Greek).
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| Courtesy of greektv.wikia.com |
6) Residence students are the best (In South Africa: residence = dorm)
I love res kids, everyone should have res friends. Not only do they know how to party but they're good for a few things:
- They have the res network. The res network is an open file sharing system for everyone within the residence. This is important academically because you can get past papers which are a blessing to learn with. This is also important for entertainment reasons because you have access to torrent downloads of programs, music, videos and series.
- Res events. If you don't have a res friend you won't know about the SICKEST parties. You haven't partied unless you've gone to pre-spring break parties, Zeff Troue (when residences marry each other for a year) and Pot en Pons (R20 for all you can drink punch).
Engineering rules
1) Don't fail your core modules
If you're in engineering then check out which modules you require for the next year and don't fail them. Do everything in your power to pass them because you will be held back a year if you don't pass them. Fail the other ones if you will, because you can repeat them with minor worries. For mechanical and civil engineering first year students that means not failing Calculus and Mechanics (Do not fail those two!). I don't know, nor care about the other engineering courses.
2) Ladies! Watch out for the engineering boys!
My engineering guy friends are going to hate me for this. I really do love you all, I do, it's just that I've picked out a few trends that put you into groups. Some are the exception! Others fit nicely into the boxes and some switch between the boxes. My guess is that if you're trying to date a nice hot guy go to the medical students.
The last thing you will do is read this thing again at the end of the year and realise you should have listened in the beginning. Rather don't do that and make a choice to try and use some of the advice here.
I love res kids, everyone should have res friends. Not only do they know how to party but they're good for a few things:
- They have the res network. The res network is an open file sharing system for everyone within the residence. This is important academically because you can get past papers which are a blessing to learn with. This is also important for entertainment reasons because you have access to torrent downloads of programs, music, videos and series.
- Res events. If you don't have a res friend you won't know about the SICKEST parties. You haven't partied unless you've gone to pre-spring break parties, Zeff Troue (when residences marry each other for a year) and Pot en Pons (R20 for all you can drink punch).
Engineering rules
1) Don't fail your core modules
If you're in engineering then check out which modules you require for the next year and don't fail them. Do everything in your power to pass them because you will be held back a year if you don't pass them. Fail the other ones if you will, because you can repeat them with minor worries. For mechanical and civil engineering first year students that means not failing Calculus and Mechanics (Do not fail those two!). I don't know, nor care about the other engineering courses.
2) Ladies! Watch out for the engineering boys!
My engineering guy friends are going to hate me for this. I really do love you all, I do, it's just that I've picked out a few trends that put you into groups. Some are the exception! Others fit nicely into the boxes and some switch between the boxes. My guess is that if you're trying to date a nice hot guy go to the medical students.
The last thing you will do is read this thing again at the end of the year and realise you should have listened in the beginning. Rather don't do that and make a choice to try and use some of the advice here.
