Inbox (1) – My heart skips a few hundred beats and eventually settles with disappointment.

It was raining again and although I was soaked I kept on walking in the park. I always walk beneath the trees in Pleasant Park when I'm upset. I tend to draw near to the things that make me happy when I’m sad because I believe that:

Sad things (Depression Park, emo music, horrible food, night time and sad books) + feeling sad = A deep and dangerous pit of depression that is hard to crawl out of.

Pleasant Park and rain are good for cheering me up because they both have a misunderstood beauty that I enjoy. I love to brave the park in the rain with a coat and wellingtons but when I had left class I had wanted to get wet so I could feel something other than the persistent ache in my chest.

A had asked B out (again). I’m just confucked (confused and fucked) because I should have known better. My rational self knows that this was coming and I should not be upset. My stupid, stupid feelings keep insisting that I really did like him. Now let me explain how this came about, because right now I want to rip my heart out of my chest and I feel a story might help. I do love stories, stories make me happy.

We can start with the day I was born. It was a stormy day and my mother complains that she had a difficult labour. If you ever talk to her she’ll mention that the difficult labour was the start of a difficult existence with me. I still don’t know what possessed my parents to call me Z; the letter ‘Z’. Perhaps it was the difficult labour or the storm or that they actually didn’t want me. I don’t know. They were well aware that they were pre-defining how shit my life would be when they named me that. In all honestly I have the worst name out of the 26 people in my class and there is nothing that can change that.

Now fast forward many years and see that I'm stuck in a social group with X and Y (insert stupid comment about my so-called condescending friends). X and Y are lame but somehow think they’re cooler than me and I know they wish they could ditch me. However, social protocol demands that we stay in the XYZ group.  

No one disobeys social protocol in my world.

DEF, stay so super fresh while they break-dance at parties and STU, well STU they stand together and smoke. Everyone follows the rules here; no one mixes or talks to anyone above or below their group . I remember I once tried calling ‘E’ and I pronounced her name ‘e’. She didn't turn around and the other groups snickered at me.

That wasn’t fun. 

Well... I obviously didn't learn my lesson (picture my bitter face).  Now let’s get to this story of A and I, because you have to learn how stupid I am.

I thought I could break out of the social norm and get to know A. He seemed so flawless, so perfect, so charming. So I lied about my name, it seemed like a good idea at the time. There was this new social network, called 1, and I simply put my name down as Á and my address lay in a foreign country, country F to be exact. So I used to talk to A everyday, every single day, for 6 months. He used to tell me he loved everything about me. My lame jokes, sarcastic comments, my weird habits and plans to do great things.

The social system within my school started to disintegrate. A began to spend less time with B and B began to spend less time in ABC because she figured A wasn't good enough for her. ABC became AC and GHI became GHIB.  Once B had done this everyone else decided they wanted to move around. All the while I was smiling behind the hair that constantly fell across my face. It seemed Á was causing a social revolution.

A kept asking when he could meet me. One day I decided I'd risk my identity and ‘fly to’ to his country. I was going to meet A, tell him who I really was and hope he would accept me for the Z I really was. I met him in Gladness Park on the 14th of February.

At the end of the evening I was walking in Pleasant Park alone and I didn't feel pleasant at all.

That was two weeks ago. Now the very familiar trees surround me again. A won back B's heart. I guess certain people belong together and get everything. While Zs like me deserve nothing and get nothing.

That's the story. Now, I’m going to go home and log onto 1 for a bit, even though there is no point. Oh look!


Inbox (1) – My heart skips a few hundred beats and eventually settles with disappointment. 

I don’t know what I expected.